Definitions Can Hurt

How people view me as a person has a lot of effect on how I define myself. If someone sees me as a kind-hearted person, I feel better and define myself as a good person. But if someone were to say that I am selfish and unbearable, I define myself a whole lot differently. In the books that we've read in the second part of the semester the characters define themselves based on other people's perspectives. Sometimes, though, that perspective and definition can destroy a person or build them up.

Looking at the first book that we read in this section, The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri, Gogol defines himself by how his classmates in middle and high school see him. The name that his parents gave him, the name that was meant to be his pet name, haunted him throughout his adolescent years.  Not only was Gogol not a Bengali name, but Nikhil, his parents choice for a good name, was not Bengali either. And Gogol couldn't figure out why his parents would name him these things. He already felt disconnected with his Bengali roots, and that just added more distance. He couldn't define himself by Bengali customs, and he couldn't define himself by a Bengali name. So he chose to define himself by what his American classmates thought about him.

Although Lahiri never mentions a specific time that Gogol was ridiculed for his name, we get the picture that he was just waiting for the day that it happened. This is especially noted when his English teacher decided to read a short story by Nikolai Gogol, Gogol's namesake. Gogol kept waiting for someone in his class to make the connection and make fun of Gogol for something he didn't have much of a choice over. He assumes that people think his name is ridiculous, and he defines himself off of that assumption. He lets that define him so much so that he decides to change his name legally upon turning 18. Prior to that change, he never understood why his parents named him Gogol, he didn't have their perspective to base his definition of himself on. And in the end, once his father died, Gogol regretted his name change because the name Gogol was one of the only things left that connected him with his father. Gogol struggled throughout his life with how to define himself and he only figured it out after his father died. He finally figured out that he didn't have to take other people's perspectives into how he defined himself.

In Amy Tan's novel turned film, The Joy Luck Club, the relationships between four mothers and daughters are observed. June Woo was the newest member of the Joy Luck Club, taking her mothers place once she died. June grew up being compared to Waverly Jong who was a child prodigy and good at everything she did. June's definition of herself therefore came from the comparisons her mother always made. Suyuan, June's mother, always seemed to think that June was not good at anything and was always disappointed because of that. June let that thought define her for most of her life and she resented her mother everyday because of it. But before Suyuan died they had a heart to heart, and Suyuan was not disappointed with June but was instead very proud of her and who she had become. After that June finally let herself believe that how she had defined herself was not who she was.

The other women and mothers had similar stories: Waverly thought her mother Lindo was overbearing and controlling and because of that she would not like her new boyfriend. But upon inspection and a heart to heart, Waverly realized that she was the one projecting these feelings upon herself. She had taken her mother's controlling spirit upon herself and defined herself according to not being good enough for her mother. Rose Hsu had inherited a passive spirit from her mother. While she was growing up she was never able to stand up for herself and her mother always pushed her because of that. Rose defined herself as the compliant person because that's how she was always perceived while growing up. It took her mother's pushing and intervention as Rose got older to tell her that making decisions and being able to stand up for yourself is a good thing. Lena St. Clair also inherited a passive spirit from her mother, Ying-ying. Ying-ying allowed people to tell her what to do. Lena grew up seeing that and thinking that was how she was supposed to behave, she defined herself according to what she witnessed while growing up. As a woman she found herself unhappily married to a man who controlled everything about their marriage and had them take inventory and split everything exactly down the middle. When her mother realized what had happened she had to intervene and tell Lena that it was okay to speak her mind and become strong in what she believed. So all of the women had to go through a period where they had to redefine themselves from their mothers, or according to a way that their mother never was.

In the last book that we read, House of Sand and Fog, by Andre Dubois III the characters definitions of each other are what drive them all to do the things they did. Kathy allowed her mother to define her as trash and a screw-up. She adopted that definition and never felt like she could change that because it was what her mother thought of her. When her husband left and she lost the house, she refused to talk with anyone about it because she feared that the way they saw her would be proven right once again. Lester defined himself as a bad person for a few reasons. The first reason being because he left his family and that was something he swore he'd never do. The second reason was because he couldn't really help Kathy out of her situation. And finally because he had kidnapped the Behrani family and was the cause of Esmail's death. These definitions weren't specifically derived from how he thought people perceived him except for leaving his family. He knew that his children would hate him and that his ex-wife would be angry with him forever. Mr. Behrani defined himself so much by what other people thought of him that when he was working for the road crew he had to park in the garage of a fancy hotel, wear a suit there in the morning, and clean up and put the suit back on after work just to make sure it seemed like he was still worthy of respect. If someone were to think of him as less than worthy he would have been destroyed because that's how he defined himself. But eventually, because of all of these things, everyone ended up in bad places: the Behrani's died and Kathy and Lester wound up in prison.

Why do we let the perspectives and perceptions of other people be the things that define us in the end? In each of these novels the definitions the characters gave themselves just led them into trouble or into an unhappy life. In the case of Gogol he let his assumptions of people's perspectives of him define who he was. His classmates hadn't even expressed any distaste of his name and yet Gogol assumed that the did so he was ashamed. I don't understand why we let how other people view us define who we are. Mr. Behrani allowed himself to be defined according to class and because he was no longer in that class he felt robbed of his honor and he let that define him. But that only got him and his family into trouble. His struggle to once again become honorable and rich led him and his family to their deaths. The way that we let people perceive us, and the way that we define ourselves is often what brings us down and destroys us. The only person worthy of defining you is yourself.

House of Sand and Fog

I'm not quite sure how to start off a response to this book... The whole thing was heart-wrenchingly terrible. I think what made it so terrible for me was the fact that the problems that were faced were caused by a lack of communication, and that is all too real. Kathy first got her house taken away from her because she refused to communicate with the county. The Colonel never communicated with anyone any of his plans, not even his own wife. And when she did find them out, he abused her because he was so stubborn and wanted his own way. This book is scary because the possibility of something like this happening is very likely. Our culture has a terribly hard time communicating with one another and because of this miscommunication tragedies, like the one in the book, could occur.
One of the problems that's very noticeably caused by miscommunication was Lester and Kathy's assumption that the Behrani family was rich and was just trying to make even more money off of selling a "stolen" house. This assumption fueled Lester's hate for Colonel Behrani because he was viewed as a dirty thief; "this man who was looking down at his hand resting on his leg, at a gold ring there with a red stone in the center. A ruby? Lester could feel the muscles tightening around his eyes and mouth... Lester took a breath. 'Do you really need this tiny place?' 'This is none of your business, sir'" (Pg. 271). "this rich prick was not taking him seriously and that would have to change starting now" (Pg. 278). Mr. Behrani was only trying to take care of his family, Lester didn't know that they only had a few thousand dollars left and that was why he was trying to sell the house for a profit. Communication between the two parties was absolutely necessary because assuming things gets you no where, and obviously ended up hurting everyone.
But Lester and Mr. Behrani weren't the only ones who refused to communicate: Kathy refused to relate anything going on back to her mother, or even talk to Mr. Behrani herself to try and iron things out. Without anyone in her life supporting her besides Lester, Kathy felt alone. But it was her own doing that caused it. With a family behind her, and people with stable heads on their shoulders, everything could have ended out much better. Or, even if she decided to talk to Mr. Behrani before threatening him or shouting at him as she drove away their problem may have been able to be ironed out much quicker and without the fatalities that occurred. But they were both stubborn, and both refused to talk to the other. I also want to mention the fact that Mr. Behrani acted very self-righteous around his family, as if he had done nothing wrong. It wasn't his fault that Kathy was going off the deep end because her fathers house had been stolen from her, it was because "Americans: they are not disciplined and have not the courage to take responsibility for their actions. If these people paid to us the fair price we are asking, we could leave and she could return. It is that simple. But they are like little children, son. They only want things only their way" (pg. 172). But it wasn't just Kathy that wanted her own way, he was doing the same thing. He, too, was like a little child struggling to have his way.
By the end of the book, after everyone was dead and she and Lester were both in jail, it still seemed like she didn't really learn anything. She lied to the other women in her jail, making them believe she was a mute just because she didn't want to talk. She lied, again, to her mother about what happened to her and why she couldn't talk. She also realized something about herself towards the end of the book: "it was me letting Lester finish what we'd both started, letting all this happen so I could put off facing my mother and brother with the news that somehow Dad's house had slipped through my fingers: I'd been willing for Lester to do anything so I could put off that moment of judgement" (pg. 356). Her refusal to communicate with anyone in her life resulted in her losing everything she had and a family losing their lives just so she didn't have to tell her mother she lost the house and her husband left her. And even after all of that, she still refused to tell her mom the truth.